LifeloveandLupus.com

So I have been friends with a person, we will call her Brenda, for almost 15 years okay.We met at school and were dealing with similar situations in our life’s and we clicked. If I am being honest with you all she was more than a friend! 💜 We were so close it was insane. She was my first “girlfriend” and I got into so much trouble for her. Oh my god it was crazy.Our first kiss 💋 was at my 16th birthday party and my baby daddy had a conniption and threw a shoe at me. lol! It was worth it though 100%. I fell for her hard. I still to this day don’t know if I was her first or not… if we get on better terms one day I’m gonna ask. Anyways, a bunch of shit went down, I had my first baby and put him up for adoption, I’ll blog about that experience later, and I was just navigating life. She was the only constant. I loved her unconditionally and I loved her son with my entire being. She was my wife for lack of a better term. We lived together in multiple different apartments and we raised our kids and each other. We were young and dumb and drinking and partying and doing all sorts of dumb shit.Then I moved to Texas, against my will mind you, and I still spoke with her all the time. At this time in my life I am pregnant with my second child and now I am thousands of miles away from my family and anything I ever knew. Including her. Before I got pregnant I cheated on her, with another girl that we will call Tammy. Tammy went to school with us and was also going through the same thing as us. I got really close to Tammy and was spending more time with her than Brenda. One day Tammy wanted to take naughty pictures for her husband who was working far away. So that’s what we were doing. One thing led to another and… bam I was knuckle deep in a slick situation if you know what I mean.Now me and Brenda never ever EVER broke it off. So technically I cheated on her and then I moved to Texas. While I was in Texas there was an issue here at home and she lost her son. I felt like the worst woman in the entire planet. She called me and she was very stoic. Hardly any emotion at all. I remember being like “babe? Are you okay? I’m coming home soon! Talk to me!” And all she said was that she was fine and she just wanted me to hear it from her and then she told me that her second child was in an ex boyfriends care and she was drinking her life away living in a car with a friend of her boyfriends. I lost my mind, came home and immediately attempted to help her how ever I could. She pushed me away and so I moved on with my life but always in contact with her. I ended up sleeping with her baby daddy the same night she slept with mine. Then I got pissed and went after her boyfriend that she was like in love with and then through him I met my second girlfriend (his sister) and at that point I was so lacking of woman attention I fell hard. But that didn’t work out… Then I met my first husband Donald. Still speaking with Brenda. I was married and happy. But I missed her still, she had just had a baby and her first husband wouldn’t let her talk to me cause I was such a threat. She told me the baby was sick and told me what hospital she was at and I went. I fought Kevin (her hubby) and I saw the baby and her and then I left and he blew his lid and made her block me. After Kevin and her divorced we were back together. Mind you every man I have been with since I was 16 she had had a 3some with me and them. And apparently she slept with all of them behind my back as well. Ugh 😣 okay, anyway I end up visiting her and ofc we clicked and just kept doing what we do. Never missing a beat. Then she met my now husband Jess, she moved herself and her three kids into my home. I watched her kids and helped her get a job and it was like we were a functioning family. Then my husband had jealousy issues because I was dropping everything and doing things she asked and wasn’t paying attention to him. So she moved to Georgia. I cried for three days before she even left! She came back and was living with a relative and taking care of her. She started dating the guy from living in the car and then said relative died and they needed a place to live sooooo my dumb ass told them they should live here…. Oh my god the worst idea I ever had in my life ever. Her boyfriend is a twat and doesn’t like me because He is jealous of the relationship I had with Brenda. So there was strict rules. Basically we could be together but there could be no penetration for either parties. That shit was rough. So for four years we are here and they are there and she is with me everyday. We do holidays together, and have traditions together with our kids and she was even secretly “playing” with me on the phone even though she wasn’t supposed to. I got all the kinky photos and the tension was thick AF every time we were around. We couldn’t be around each other without touching each other. Her dude would hella get jelly. So that caused a lot of problems between us because she wasn’t supposed to be telling me things like she wants kitty but her dude said no and she thinks she likes kitty more than hotdogs 😂 I however tell Jess everything so he knows everything that’s going on and he likes to cause drama so he was always saying almost things in front of Brenda and her man. In 2023 I had open heart surgery and she was there helping Jess help me with recovery and she was there with my hysterectomy and its recovery. Then I got diagnosed with Lupus. I have been in the hospital on average 3 times and month and admitted once a month minimum. Every day is another feat for me and I have so many specialist that I can’t even keep them straight. She was supportive, researching Lupus, helping me when I called so I leaned on her a lot.Then Brenda met the neighbors… neighbors that party almost every weekend. Mind you for the 10 years I’ve been with Jess he has told me that she’s only using me. I never believed him. He asked me all the time why I stuck around because the relationship was obviously one sided and I was blind to it. I didn’t listen, ofc I didn’t, 😍 love struck eyeballs and all that. Anyways this Group of helions drinks, smokes herbs, and parties, a lot. Which wtf ever right. It’s your life do you boo boo. But she started hanging out with them more and more and before you know it she morphed into one of them. She is hanging out there more and more and blowing me off more and more. So I called her out on it and we inevitably “divorced” each other but remained friends. Then I kept asking her to do things all the time and she continued to shut me out and when I called her out on that she ended up telling me some shit about her growing as a person and when that happens ppl grow apart from each other and she wants me in her life just not as consistent as before. Who the fuck says that even. 🤔So I loose all my grip on reality and I am now beyond 🤬pissed so I am indeed bawling. 😭 Because how could she do that to me after everything we had been through. She looked me dead in my face and said she loved me and that she wishes she was with me and then not even a month later she is telling me some shit about “growing as a person” sounds like a crock of shit and that I got played like a dumb ass bitch because I loved her honestly and truthfully and would have done anything in the world if she asked me to and she knew it. I miss her, everyday some shit happens that I want to tell her, but I don’t reach out for fear of being to “consistent”. I try to keep things separate but at the same time I don’t know what I did to make her feel that way and getting her to admit anything to me or talk to me has always seemed a feat the entire 15 years we have been doing this song and dance. She also told me I make everything about me and flip her words… idk how I could do that when she never speaks about anything. I don’t really even know what I did to fuck that up… and maybe everyone is right and this is good for me and maybe she was using me. I guess I’ll never really know because she won’t talk to me like an adult to my face. Everything is in text. Which is highly frustrating. Are we 16 again? You got an issue step the fuck up and let’s handle it. Why do you gotta hide behind your phone? So frustrating. I miss her, she was my best friend. We went through hell together. I moved her here and helped however I can and she wants to write me off?I’m so glad you had to use me to figure out who the fuck you are I guess ✌🏽Give me your thoughts… maybe I am delulu? Is she the bitch?? Or am I?? Chess match continues